Thursday, March 1, 2012

Playground Blues

As Baker gets older, I am brought back to my days as a child. He's now at the age where I can remember vivid of memories of things that happened to me. I always thought I was a normal kid (don't we all think that?), but truth be known- I have always...ALWAYS...had a hard time making friends. Even to this day, I find that I don't have more than a few close friends and  now that Baker is in school, I've never found myself in the middle of the preschool moms who hang around chit-chatting with their morning coffees. So when he comes home from school and says that no one will play with him on the playground, my heart breaks. Into a million pieces. Is he destined to feel like an outsider his whole life? Ugh. I mean, he has a few boys at school that he likes to have over for play dates and who he talks about incessantly. So when he says they don't want to play with him at school, I feel for him. I mean, I think my kid is the greatest! He's so creative. And funny. And outgoing. And inquisitive. And brave. And smart...and the list goes on. So why on Earth wouldn't other little people think he's great too? Who do these kids think they are? Don't they know what they are missing out on??? My protective instincts kick into overdrive. I want to march down to that school and tell those three foot somethings exactly what I think about them. But then I take a few yoga breaths and realize that this is just the first of many hurdles my little man is going to have to jump. I can't fight these kind of battles for him. I never want to sway his confidence. He can make friends on his own good time. For now, I'm more than a little stoked that he tells me that his best friend is his little brother =) 
-MK

What do you think? How would you (or have you) handle(d) this situation? I'd love to hear your comments!

57 comments:

  1. I love it when my kids call each other their best friend too.
    I think I might try to have a conversation about why he thinks they don't play with him. Maybe he just needs a little encouragement to ask to play along or invite them to play with him.
    I would make sure that he knows and feels that Mommy thinks he's the best! Good Luck!

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  2. Kids have to work so many things out on their own. You are wise to realize that.... I think continuing to help him build his self-esteem, making sure he gets how absolutely great he is, will make a difference as well. Stepping back and getting out of the way is one of the hardest parts of being a mom! And hey! While you are at it, make sure you know just how great you are!

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  3. My 4 loved the playground, too bad we live in a place where parks have replaced them.

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  4. I think the oldest child has to deal with this from time to time. They are the child that wears the wieght of the world on their shoulders and they forget how to have fun. Speaking from experience, my daughter and I are the same way.

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  5. I read some great advice recently, which said NOT to advise your children to go up to other children and say, "Can I play with you?" This only gives the other children the chance to feel superior by saying, "No!" Instead, your child should go up to the children, observe what they are playing, and then just join right in. If they are playing pretend, he should pick a character and start pretending. If they are playing ball, he should say, "I'll be on [his/her] team. Pass me the ball!
    -Viva, from dailycitron.com

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  6. I don't have any advice but maybe he's just a bit shy and he will come out of it as he gets older. good luck.

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  7. I am the same way you are, and for the longest my daughter was that way too, but in the past few years she has really come out of her shell and will initiate play and conversation, but I just stepped back and let her do it on her own terms

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  8. It is so hard to not step in and help your kid with things when they lack the confidence to do it themselves. But you're right, they do have to learn and make those steps by themselves - some kids take longer than others but they all get there in the end!

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    1. I apologize for replying rather than leaving a stand-alone comment. I simply can't see what to hit to leave a comment! Ah, middle-age. Anyhoo, if you are an introvert, perhaps your son is one too. And then it will be just fine to have 1 or 2 besties rather than a gaggle. And as long as you are builidng him up, those friendships will come. I think your love and support will go a long way.
      (I blog at www.experiencedbadmom.com)

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  9. I don't have much for advice. I don't think getting involved is the right thing to do, but it sure is difficult sometimes.

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  10. As a mom with two grown sons, my advice is that you can help him get a paradigm shift on the situation. Does it seem like he is feeling sorry for himself because none of the kids will play with him? I know it's hard when your heart feels broken, but try not to encourage the feelings of sadness but instead teach him how to reach out to the other children. Ask him gently if he can tell you why the other kids won't play with him? Maybe you will learn he is making the mistake of interrupting two children that are playing together and trying to force his way in. Maybe you can practice with him at the local playground, have him look around and notice if there are any children by themselves. Can kids have marbles at school nowadays? Teach him to play marbles. He can start a game of marbles all by himself at school and other children may become interested and want to play with him. As for yourself, it sounds like you need to try and do the same. I know it's hard I have always been a wallflower and was painfully shy as a child. I hope this helps a little bit. Let us know how things turn out!

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  11. I think you were right. They have to learn their own little life lessons and we so just want to protect them from pain. But protecting them from everything could damage them even further. I love how well my kids get along even if they do fight with each other.

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  12. Aaaww that is soo sweet, one of the reasons I like doing daycare in my house is that it always meant my little man had someone to hang out with. I am not a park mom and soon he will enter kindergarten and I hope to be really active in his schooling via the PAC so who knows... I don't really like the ppl aspect more the organizing lol! All you can do is give hugs and loves then make cupcakes on his bday for the class REALLY good ones so the kids all love him lol

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  13. I was an extremely shy child, so tended to only have one or two good friends at any given time. Even now as an adult, most of my friends are online rather than in person! Best wishes as you raise your little one.

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  14. I like Viva's advice to join in play using different vocabulary. Actually, it helped me understand a lot about my own life to think about the power we give someone when we ask for permission rather than acting like we belong.

    http://usefulpleasantlives.net

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  15. Sorry to hear about your son. I have no good advice, I'm afraid. I'm thinking something about making your son interesting for the other kids, by giving him something they don't have, something they want to play with, with him. But I'm not sure if that's the right way to go.

    Good luck!

    Judith of http://leeswammes.wordpress.com

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  16. I totally feel for you, I don't fit in with the preschool mommies either. I like to let my kids forge there own way, encourage him at home to be outgoing and how to deal with rejections.

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  17. I love the name Baker for a boy.

    I don't have children myself, so I'm not sure what if anything I would do in this situation. I can't remember back this far, but what I do remember of school is that boys are less cliquish than girls. Given a rugby game or something like that, they'll all play together in a big pack.

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  18. One thing for sure you know your son will not learn something you might not want him to having his brother as his best friend. I do think things will change for him in time. Easy2Save

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  19. perhaps you could speak with your son's teacher about maybe trying to suggest things the kids can play together. its so hard watching when our kids are left out or hurt. i've wept many nights fearful that my kids will live through what i lived through.

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  20. Oh poor little guy. I am sure things will get better. Have you asked his teachers what they think about the situation? Sometimes they have some insight and can be very helpful. I hope everything improves for him.

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  21. I didn't have many friends until I graduated from college. So with my kids, I have always set up playdates. We do not have many neighborhood kids. I have thoughtfully planned paly dates from the time teh kids were 3 (They are 10 and 12 now)

    And usually they are not reciprodated, but he kids still come when invited.

    :)
    Lisa

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  22. That's just the way it is. Just be thankful that he has a little brother to feel close to. Both will grow up close and help each other out. Maybe next year will be better.

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  23. This is really hard- my son lost a good friend this year because his mom was "jealous of me." Really? How old are we?
    Sorry your guy is going through this. I have learned if we have one or two really close, true friends, we are blessed!

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  24. ya know I don't think they fully understand "other kids won't play with me". It may be that they just wouldn't share one toy, and it goes the extreme. At least that's how I see it with my 5yo. She doesn't really talk to me about school and her friends, but I've had one mom tell me her son wants to marry my daughter, and another mom tells me that her son and my daughter are just chatty chatty together.
    I would just encourage an outgoing behavior. You can't change their behavior (yes I know, I'm naturally more shy and quiet in person), but you can encourage them at the playground to talk to other kids, and make new friends.
    Good luck!

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  25. I think moms might even suffer more than our children sometimes. I think you have some very wise comments above. Just chose the ones you can live with best. I am very shy, too.
    Diana at waywardgirlscrafts.com

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  26. I don't make friends easily either. Neither does my older son. He has Asperger's and he and his preschool friends grew apart around the age of 5 or 6, when they started maturing and he didn't. He was 9 before he met his current best friend, who also happens to have Asperger's. So we went 3 or 4 years with "no friends". It was really hard for both of us. All you can do is provide opportunities and be there for him.

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    1. BTW, the design on your background makes it hard to read your blog.

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  27. great blog - and oh can i understand the whole thing....
    (psst...one suggestion - ditch the stripe on the bottom...makes it hard to read....)

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  28. I have not experienced a situation like this yet because my baby is just 10 months old, but my heart was breaking for your little man when I was reading this. I was certainly never the "cool" kid in school and so I know how tough other kids can be sometimes. I am following you on GFC and I wish your son the happiest life ever. And he will because you're a great mom to love him soooooo much!!!

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  29. I don't have kids but I liked what Viva and Starlene said - made a lot of sense to me.

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  30. When my daughter was in Kindergarten the "popular girls" (yes, at 5 they have those) told her to go away she was not her friend anymore. How sad, my daughter cried.

    I told my daughter they are not worth it and are mean, find the nice girls and be friends with them. Yes, I told her that at 5. She is 11 and stands on her own with all the nice girls and is very happy.

    I know your situation is different. But tell your son to try to make friends with other children. There is a friend for everyone.

    If you really think there is a problem (sorry mom sometimes we have to face it that our children can rub others the wrong way, my son did for a while. Or he can just be shy, like mom.) ask the teacher. She is there, maybe she sees something that can be worked with.

    Go out and make friends right in front of your son. Children learn directly from what we do. If he sees mommy doing it, then maybe it will be easier for him.

    I've said enough, I bet you hate me now. I hope I didn't offend. I feel so bad for moms with children this age at times because school can be rough for little ones. We want to solve their problems and make them happy.

    ~Allie

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  31. Our children mostly play with each other, but we try to encourage them to play so that others will want to join them. If they are having fun, others will want to as well. It's a tricky business sometimes, but you don't want to force other kids to play with our child since most likely they'll just be mean to them.

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  32. My kiddos haven't quite gotten there yet, but I remember from my childhood that no matter which "kind" of kid you are - introverted or extraverted - figuring this friend stuff out is tough! The above commenter had excellent advice about stretching yourself to model good friendships for him - so that he'll be able to recognize the ones that aren't worth pursuing.

    There's also a lot to be said about empathizing and admitting to him (if it seems appropriate) that making friends was a struggle for you. Then you can encourage each other (yes, a 5 year old can absolutely encourage his mommy) to branch out.

    I'd caution you not to empathize (or sympathize) so much that he feels like the victim though. I know from personal experience that that mentality is hard to shake off!

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  33. Is the complaint of no one playing with him an everyday thing? Sometimes kids get finicky from one day to the next...they quickly go from being best friends to not liking one another, then back to best friends two days later. Hopefully he's not being totally excluded all the time.

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  34. After going through this with two girls (and still going) I have found that it usually works itself out. It's hard to stand by, but it's good for them to find a way to solve their own problems.

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  35. We always want to protect our children not reliazing we, have to let them figure it out themselves. Kids are funny little creatures anyway it will all work out.

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  36. As a mother of 3 I have gone through the exact same thing 3 times! I have found with my older two that they did not find super great long lasting friends until they were in 4th and 5th grade. My youngest is in 3rd grade and struggling still to make good friends. They go to school in a very small community where everyone grew up together or are relatives- we did neither.

    It does get better- I promise! I have watched my oldest two create some awesome very close friendships and really fit in now. Sometimes they just seem to have to grow into themselves.

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  37. My daughter has said the same thing before, breaks my heart!

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  38. I think you are doing the right thing, as hard as it may be. We all have to develop our own relationships. Part of doing that can be painful but that is how we learn to value those relationships that actually mean something to us.

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  39. I was a loner all throughout school. And I still am. Sometimes I don't think it is such a bad thing. Those that have the need to be social usually will find a way to be.

    Eventually your child will find a good friend to hang out with. You'll see.

    suzy

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  40. My kids even though they are 10 years apart really work very well together and are close. Which is so important to our family. My kids only have a few close friends and that is how I was growing up too. But I know when your kids feelings are hurt it is so hard not to jump right in and fix it.
    Shelly @ Frugal Family Home

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  41. I don't yet have kids, but I enjoy reading about those who do. :)

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  42. I know I never considered my brother my best friend...but I don't remember considering him my worst enemy either.

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  43. My heart goes out to you. That is a hard situation to be in. I was really shy when I was in school and only had a handful of friends. My kids aren't in school yet but I hope that they never feel left out. It breaks my heart to read stuff like this. I hope everything will work itself out.

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  44. Playground time can be hard. But it's a place that the kids get to be themselves and make their own decisions...let them work it out. In the meantime, pray about it and talk to your son about right the right way to treat others.


    Wendy
    Around My Family Table

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  45. My son says sometimes his little brother is his best friend too! It's cute! At school though I could swear he names a different "best friend" everytime I ask him who he plays with. I think at this age they don't really know what a best friend is.

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  46. Kids can be really hard on other kids. I bet your son will develop friendships over time. At that age, kids change friends so often! It's great that his brother is his best friend! So cute!

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  47. Well, I'm an outsider too so when one of my kids turned out to be "popular" I was more than a little shocked. My son, however, is just as weird as he can be. Regardless of their little personalities, I have encouraged them to be themselves, to be okay with that, and to even stand up for the little guys out there who is excluded.

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  48. I can relate. You know I`m a loner and shy so I can`t really give an advice `coz I too is dealing with this issue in myself

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  49. Aww, his brother is his best friend. That is so great. Kids can be the cruelest creatures. I would encourage him to be himself and try to just join in with kids. He may just be a little shy.

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  50. If you are really worried, you could always talk to his teacher and make sure there isn't something else going on. It could even be as simple as the fact that Little Jonny over there has a new XYZ that all the kids are wanting to play with. Or perhaps the thing at the moment are the swings but your little one doesn't like to do that or perhaps doesn't know how.

    Beyond that, I would just continue to give hugs and love on him at home.

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  51. It's so hard when the world doesn't love your kids as much as you do. Hopefully things will work out with the other kids, and soon you'll be hearing nonstop chatter about his best friend!

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  52. Isn't making friends just the toughest, especially at our age when we're busy taking care of our families? My children have developed friendships more in elementary school. Preschool recess was more about what they were doing in the moment, i.e. swinging, waiting for a turn to swing again, steering clear of that classmate throwing another fit...

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  53. I wouldn't worry about it. Some kids are just more social than others. One of my daughters is captain of the cheerleading team, captain of the tennis team, and extremely popular. She also has a lot of drama. Her sister, two years younger, is shy, quiet, and has a few close friends, and as a result, very little drama. Each type of social status has its pros and cons in my experience.

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  54. This happened to my four year old recently. It broke my heart too. I was at a loss at what to do though. I just held her and told her that it would be okay.

    Your heart breaks when you baby is hurting, I know. :)

    Thanks for sharing and posting. I appreciate it.

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